happier than I seem

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but years ago I read something about how in densely populated, large-familied places like India, people never know what it's like to not hear someone sleeping. kids share beds, families share rooms. you grow up with their breathing in the background, a perpetual presence. being physically alone, for a vast majority of the world's population, is culturally harrowing and fucked up. and I first read this when I was living in my loft in Queen Anne, way too much space occupied entirely by me, heat cranked to 80 year-round, 20 minute showers and never-closed bathroom doors and lengthy animated conversations executed alone. as I was reading i was laying diagonally in bed. and I remember thinking my life is really weird and grotesque, isn't it? there is so much I simply will never know how to handle. 

*

entropy and the cat skull. this abstractly reminds me of the time I fed chickens leftover scrambled eggs. 

Cascade, I mean South Lake Union. I really dig this building. it's a building I would design, with wobbly lines and impatiently proportioned windows and a shaky patina of "you get the idea, right? okay." 

my new battery-operated Document Shredder! suck it, bills sent by standard mail! you'll get my money when I, um, eventually give it to you! 

ain't no heaven. 

this was my self-date night. I was under trees on a lovely sidewalk and reading and drinking something expensive that involved gin and byrrh and a fucking grapefruit peel and trying to be jaunty and decadent despite having had a really fucking shitty week, actually. I thought good for you, you fucking neurotic loner, taking yourself out like you always used to. but when I was about halfway through my drink a group of four loud happy people surrounded me and asked me to move, "because there's more of us coming, is that okay? oh thanks!" and I felt childishly awkward all over again. I may as well have been drinking Chardonnay with ice for as fucking un-awesome and by myself as I felt at that moment. so I said something about "uh yeah, no problem, excuse me" and went inside and finished my drink and went home and had a snively conversation with the cat.... I guess it's a funny story now that I'm not premenstrual and weepy. anyway, here's the drink when the Glass Was Full. 

one cool thing about this week was that yesterday, for the first time since the Shearing Debacle of October '14, I was able to pull the entirety of my hair into a bun using a single scrunchy and no pins. that's a big deal for any vain fool desperately growing out their strangely satisfying mistakes. 

*preserves sad moment of vanity* 

it finally fucking rained. everyone looks sleepy and seems tense. it feels like seattle again.