the next (next) thing: drinking

it's been 23 days since I've had alcohol. I've been reluctant to write or talk about it because it immediately invites scrutiny

and judgment- does Brynn have a drinking problem? I never knew. or worse, I totally knew. what constitutes a "problem" for me is likely very different from anyone else's definition. ultimately, my reason is this: I wasn't living up to my expectations for myself and I wasn't behaving like someone I respect. alcohol has significantly contributed a subtle, sinister undercurrent for most of my life, some times more than others, sometimes not even involving me directly. when I go through the times I am happy and the times I am not, the people and situations that bring out the best and worst in me, my relationships and those whom I choose to spend time with- alcohol is always a prominent variable. and while it's usually quite fun -so fun!- at the time, it occurred to me that there is no memory when I can think "drinking totally improved that." and I'm fucking tired of it. so if not now, when?

I've been in a better, more "even" mood over the past few weeks than I've felt in months. I've actually paused before reacting to shit, like an actual grown-ass adult might. I've thought about what I say before I fucking blurt it out. I've slept awesomely. I feel great in the morning and I'm getting up earlier. I'm drinking tea and hanging out with my cat and reading and walking in the rain and feeling functional as fuck.

but the longer I go with this smug "clarity", the more time I have to think. the giddy novelty of Not Drinking is starting to wear off and a weird bored restless loneliness is setting in. I realize that most of my social situations have always involved alcohol. I tend to hang out with people who drink. even when I was by myself, I'd go to bars to read or write. having other humans around, noisy humans (unlike coffee shops with their surly laptopped introversion and twee music) was very therapeutic for me. now I feel like an awkward kid all over again. is it okay to go to a bar and just drink soda? honestly, do I want to be the only sober person in the room? there are few things more repulsive than being around drunk people when you're not. and being sober at home is exactly as fucking scintillating as it sounds; I've cleaned the fuck out of my lair and watched way too much stupid shit on Netflix. I've had to rethink my free time a lot, and how I interact with other people in general. realizing that I apparently have to (re)teach myself basic social interactions at my age is very... I was going to say sobering, ha ha, but depressing is almost more appropriate.

I also realize that it is alienating to some people when I tell them I've stopped drinking. I remember feeling that way when others (whom I knew primarily through alcohol) have made that decision in the past. I'd automatically, shamefully think oh, guess we can't hang out, because if I get a drink around you I'll feel guilty and self-conscious, and we probably don't have a whole lot in common after all, so uh... good luck. I uncomfortably knew at the time that this feeling reflected solely upon me, but it was icky and embarrassing for me to stare down and deal with, so I'd dickishly just kinda stop hanging out with them. so I get it. but it fucking sucks. karma's a bitch.

I still have fantasies of how I'm gonna be when I grow up. fantasies! a thriving herb garden and goddamn brunch and falling in love in the desert and writing an amazing novel in an ancient garret overlooking the rooftops, all whilst laughing and witty and nurturing and not pissing anyone off too badly.... and nowhere in that montage do I ever envision myself unimpressed by my behavior or the decisions I make.

without being at peace with who you are, you are of no good to those around you. or something.

when incense does this.