the city that left the seat down

it's time to pull my head out of my ass. again. still. 

the other day I made a list comparing Alaska to Seattle. I was depressed about being back. I was pissed off about the darkness, the cold, feeling claustrophobic, not having any money, not having any motivation, being away from the familiarity of Washington that was much more tolerable in a vacation-sized dose.

but it's gotten better. the reasons I chose to move back are damn good ones, and they've proven themselves extremely apparent over the past week. I am grateful for my amazing friends, my lair in which I do not have to pay for heat, the bliss of self-propelled mobility, and how fucking beautiful it is here. Alaska is a place most people only dream about visiting. and it's easy to forget that when I'm waiting in the 5pm dark for a bus that doesn't fucking show up and it's so cold that I can taste the snot on my face before I realize it's there because my skin's numb. it's easy to forget that when I walk into the Minnesota Carrs and it smells like ass and everyone looks grimy and sullen. and it's VERY easy to forget that when I see everyone's updates on Facebook about leafy trees and concerts and awesome dinners at hip foofy restaurants. 

when I compare anything, it makes me fucking crazy. when I just appreciate what IS, life is much more palatable. go figure! 

and it also helps to remember why Seattle, bless its bitchy heart, was worth leaving. the overabundance of fucking HUMANS, everywhere. the horrible chain stores and soulless banks where cool independent establishments used to be. how everything has a monetary value and it's usually fucking expensive. the oh-so-awesomeness that I cannot possibly compete with, much less aspire to. the aloof plastic yuppie veneer over what was once a truly amazing city. THE LACK OF GODDAMN EYE CONTACT! 

I have to remind myself so I won't feel as fucking sad as I have. 

meanwhile, the Anchorage winter arrived like a loud, drunken houseguest. 

first it was snain. 

then it was snow.

and then it was sun.

thanks for being patient with my continual self-doubts and maudlin bullshit and pointless bitching, you friendly, sexy, show-off little town. 

and here is Entropy standing on my foot. 

rapid eyeless movement

it's taken me this long to write about my recent jaunt to Washington because, shit, it's like rereading old love letters from an ex. I feel like I can't fully settle in anywhere. when was the last time I was in a place where I truly felt comfortable, or at least not as restless? Queen Anne? that was years ago. 

vacations represent the idealistic unreality, anyway. 

this was the stimulating view of Anchorage as I flew away. 

when I got to seattle... it smelled amazing, it was warm, the leaves were red and lurid, and a couple people inside the airport actually returned my eye contact, probably because they were from somewhere else. 

the epic Burke House pumpkin staircase. 

the PNW is a fucking show-off harlot. okay, cue the bird! is the quaint boat in the picture? glassy water? oh, stop! it was nothing. 

even the beach-litter is pretty. 

an absurdly attractive site for higher learning and kids with rich parents. 

Pike Place Market. 

a snail from the leeks in the yard. 

orgasmic deviled eggs with salmon roe and some other stupidly tasty stuff.  

rabbit stew. I chopped the vegetables. 

humidity. 

....AAAND back to Alaska... 

where the drains exhale warmly. 

and there's cool shit like this along the bike trails. 

current view from my living room. the solar index is nonexistent today. 

and it just started snowing for the first time this winter. 

the mouth-breather

I have my first cold in years. do they get worse as one gets older? or do people, people like me, just get whinier? the upper third of my body is a snotty mess. I go to Seattle tomorrow. 

today in my neighborhood. 

15th & L. 

5th & I, again. 

and the first Raynaud's of the season. 

this is home for now. 

tra to the la

the other morning, a little after 11:00. this is an unaltered image. 

today: floody hell. it was fun until I got fucking drenched. 

today on sexy, mysterious Minnesota Blvd. by the time I got here, a 20 minute walk from my lair, I realized how idiotic and ill-attired I was for the weather. 

I hid under the awning of the sexy, mysterious strip mall and dripped for a while. I thought the windowed Japanese restaurant I was standing in front of, shaking doggishly and documenting my dampness, was closed and empty. but then a guy came out. I felt even more respectable and amazing. 

my kitchen. this may be my favorite kitchen yet! I'm serious. I've cooked more in the last 2 months than I have in the duration of any other place I've lived. it's not good food, mind you, but it's fun to pretend. 

the view just now from my living room. the rain has subsided somewhat. 

and this concludes my vapid afternoon.

the fly on the wall

most of Anchorage warrants a D- in aesthetics, but its relative proliferation of reflective buildings is to be commended. 

36th & C-ish. 

pussywillows in October. 

5th & I Street. 

I love this sign. the fancy woman allowing her excited child to pick out a treat! I still have never been to Charlie's...

my end of 36th. yesterday I discovered this wormhole. it leads me directly from my driveway into the florid bowels of Spenard. 

I've always loved dirt roads with grass growing between the wheel ruts. 

I assume that everyone else, like myself, stumbles through life with the best of intentions. it's usually not until inconveniently after the fact that I realize I can irreversibly annoy the shit out of people. 

walking into the wind, singing Gordon Lightfoot. no, really.

the spider plant is flowering! I have never before had this happen with such a creature! I think he likes his western window, dank as the weather has been. 

this must be a thing... sofexodus 2013. it reminds me of the cyclical, seemingly seattle-wide mattress purges. 

on Wisconsin St. 

on Minnesota. 

deliberate fence-stickery.

the scenery was a debilitating monochrome so I Roger Dean'd it. 

but this was not filtered at all. 

the octopus of foliage. 

another street corner sunflower. 

Darwin's, with only one visible cellphone distraction. 

this is what happens when you remove your epidermis.

if I don't find some more distractions soon, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. 

permanent vacation

the Russian Orthodox church on Turpin or Baxter or something. when I took this the parking lot was completely empty except for a boy on a bicycle who was aimlessly riding in circles. I said hello and he just stared back. 

a slit of the Chugach Mountains from sexy, mysterious Dimond Blvd. 

into the storm. 

today, Anchorage Cemetery: so many leaves still attached to trees! 

about an hour ago at 36th & Arctic. 

that's the Holga filter with an actual Entropy; I don't have a shirt with her visage, I swear. 

So I'll be in Seattle 10/31-11/5. I fear it's too soon; I still miss it too much. I'm desperately hoping that being back won't break my heart too cruelly, but that city always was rather manipulative and bitchy like that. I keep reminding myself that I'm not permanently anywhere, which takes a bit of the pressure off. Maybe the visit will succinctly reiterate all the reasons I left in the first place... Or not... In the meantime, I'm taking pictures of all the mundane loveliness and weirdness here as extra emotional insulation. And leaving my "other life" all over again and returning to Alaska in the throes of winter will be rough no matter how much I love it here.